Whether it arises from dinner being
thrown on the floor, a child who opens every cabinet and touches every item within,
or the persistent flailing about of a preschooler in winter, we’ve all
sometimes wondered if our child would be more at home among a band of pirates.
And those issues don’t approach the rolling, wailing, flailing simply because
you served me the wrong snack temper tantrum. We’ve all felt the mounting tension,
the rising pulse, and the sky-rocketing blood pressure accompanying that first
groaning shriek of a tantrum. In those moments we might like to ship our child
off to Guantanamo Bay, but is there a more practical response to temper
tantrums? Well, if your child is behaving like a terrorist, treat him like one.
In their
book Counterstrike, New York Times
reporters Eric Schmitt and Thom Shanker discuss the developing U.S. strategy in
the war on terror. They note that one of the few pre-9/11 Osama Bin Laden experts
was a mother of six who used her insights from parenting to understand
terrorists. I aim for the reverse, to use counter-terrorism strategy as an
insight into dealing with the craziness of childhood.
Deny, Capture and Kill
Immediately
after 9/11, counter-terrorism strategy had a dual focus. First was denying
terrorists the opportunity to attack American soil again. The idea was that
terrorists would find America too well secured, and look for targets elsewhere.
The second emphasis was capturing or killing key terrorist leaders. While both
strategic emphases experienced some practical successes, they ultimately failed
to eliminate terrorism as a global threat. This is because both emphases have
emotional roots in fear, anger, and a desire for revenge. As the war on terror progressed,
the U.S. learned that we could experience a series of tactical successes and
yet be no closer to defeating terrorism.
We’ve all
seen parents who rule by emotion. We know capture
and kill moms who respond to any transgression with overwhelming rage. We
know denial dads who feel so
ill-equipped to deal with misbehavior that they seldom take the kids anywhere.
These approaches sometimes prevent tantrums, or at least end them quickly, but
since they don’t address the cause of misbehavior they don’t reduce its
likelihood. Just like battling Al Qaeda, parents can “win” individual battles
without winning the war. While there is a time to show our children that they
have angered and hurt us and a time to avoid certain activities because we
believe they will end poorly, fear, anger, and revenge should not be the
guiding principles of parenthood. The U.S. quickly learned that such responses
to terrorism don’t work, so should parents. We need to find a way to make children
not want to throw tantrums.
Traditional Deterrence
As America
settled into the war on terror, some voices began to call for a better strategy.
The voices came from interesting places, like retirement communities. Some of
the masterminds who fought the Cold War insisted that the tactics used against
the Soviets could work with Al Qaeda. They were referring to a strategy known
as deterrence.
After the
Second World War, the United States and Soviet Union stockpiled nuclear
weapons. It became imperative to ensure those weapons were never actually used.
American intelligence officials recognized that they and the Soviets both valued
things like cities, factories, facilities, and people. If convinced that using nuclear
weapons would cost them these things, it seemed logical that the Soviets would
not use nuclear weapons. In other words, the Soviets needed to think that they
would lose more from an attack than they would gain. Traditional deterrence worked very well. Nuclear weapons were not
used.
Parenting
involves much traditional deterrence.
We constantly create, or should be creating, situations where children learn
that poor behavior costs more than it gives. When a preschooler throws a
tantrum and loses an entire day of television, that’s traditional deterrence. When a teenager loses the car keys for a
week after violating curfew, that’s also traditional
deterrence. This isn’t just good parenting, it is wisdom for life. What we
want right now may cost us what we want most. Traditional deterrence in parenting directs our children away from
undesirable behaviors and trains them for adulthood.
While traditional deterrence is a necessary
parenting strategy it is not always the best
strategy. Traditional deterrence assumes
that a showdown is likely, and its practitioner seeks to ensure that she does
not lose that showdown. It creates a situation where parents must “win” confrontations
through some type of force. Our children learn by “losing” a power encounter
with Mom and Dad. While some willful attitudes should be broken, traditional deterrence used poorly can
crush the spirit of the child, which is not good parenting. Traditional deterrence is sometimes
necessary, but a better strategy aims to avoid unnecessary showdowns.
The New Deterrence
As
counter-terror professionals applied traditional deterrence to the struggle
with Al Qaeda, they realized terrorists don’t value the same things superpowers
do. Terrorists seldom possess large cities or military bases and often
sacrifice life in pursuit of ideals. They aren’t influenced by the losses that
proved effective in the Cold War. However, that they don’t value the same kinds
of things doesn’t mean terrorists don’t value anything. The intelligence
community compiled a list of things terrorists do value, like reputation, advancement
of religion, operational success, publicity, and unit cohesion.
Convincing
terrorists that attacks would cost them things they valued led to new deterrence.
Many things terrorists value are legitimate. There are individuals around the world
who desire these things, but pursue them without killing other humans. New deterrence seeks to thwart terrorist
desires when they attempt attacks, and fulfill their desires when they pursue
goals peacefully. Practically that means doing things like publicizing
failed terror plots. If terrorists think they will look foolish when an attack
fails, they will be less likely to take the risk. The strategy also publicizes
individuals who abandon terrorism. Islamic leaders are recruited to commend
those who seek peaceful resolutions and condemn those who commit violence.
Through diplomatic means, the U.S. has sent representatives and Islamic leaders
to nations, even specific villages, known for producing terror recruits to
convince younger generations that there is a better way. In short, new deterrence builds on traditional
deterrence to convince potential terrorists not just that attacks will cost more
than they will gain, but that there are appropriate peaceful avenues to achieve
their desires.
I believe that
new deterrence is the heart of
parenting and the best response to tantrums. As parents, our job is to teach children
the appropriate ways to pursue desires. When our child throws a tantrum, it
doesn’t mean that we are failures. It warns us that our child is seeking
fulfillment in the wrong way. New
deterrence teaches us that a
tantrum has little to do with the act itself, but is tied up in the surrounding
context of the tantrum. We must address inappropriate behavior when it happens
(traditional deterrence), but it is more important that we teach our children there
are better ways to pursue desires (new
deterrence).
New deterrence might sound complicated,
but you don’t need to be scheming like a chess master and patient like a
tortoise to make it happen. In fact, it is best to be clear, direct, and
simple. Here are a few principles I use with my kids:
Tantrums never succeed. When one of my sons throws a fit, I remind
him that tantrums do not succeed, and take whatever disciplinary action is
necessary. When he has calmed, I point out that the tantrum did not succeed and
that tantrums will never succeed.
This action does not fulfill his desire.
Offer an out. Often, parents and children get locked in an
adversarial situation which one might “win,” but everyone will lose. Let your
child know he is not out of options. During a tantrum, I simply ask my son if
he thinks this situation will end well or poorly. Sometimes, he will
acknowledge that this will not end well and will back off of his demands. If I
am exceptionally wise that day, I then back off and allow him to collect himself
or offer some snuggle time. If he decides that his tantrum is leading to a
positive resolution, we move to traditional
deterrence.
Be predictable. Establish clear routes your children can use to
pursue desires. My sons do not receive juice before lunch and then only when
they ask politely. The predictable route to obtain juice is to wait until lunch
and politely ask for it. Statements along the lines of “I want juice” at 9 AM
do not result in juice. There is no surprise in that, and therefore no reason
to freak out. . . theoretically.
Good behavior pays off. If we seek to teach our children that there
are appropriate avenues to fulfill dreams, then we must reward the pursuit of those
avenues. My oldest son loves staying up late, but we only let him do so when he
has been pleasant and helpful throughout the day. When he does this, he gets to
stay up late for some special time with Mom and Dad. His use of the appropriate avenue pays off. If you make a shopping
trip with the kids and they behave well, reward them. It doesn’t need to be
with toys and snacks. Sometimes looking into their eyes and expressing pride
and gratitude is plenty. Be creative, but reward good behavior.
Humility
In St. Paul’s letter to the Christians in ancient Philippi
he confesses, “Brothers
and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of this. But one
thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what
is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win
the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ
Jesus.” Paul was talking about his journey as a follower of Jesus Christ, but I
embrace the same attitude as a parent. My home is not characterized by Zen-like
calm and special agent style strategizing. I too run thin on patience, lose my
temper, and just do and say stupid, thoughtless, things. But, I see a better
way. A way to guide my children into adulthood with care, thoughtfulness, and
intelligence, and I invite you to press on with me toward that goal.
Conclusion
Childhood is an adventure. It is an exploding world of
discovery, possibility, and imagination. It is an astonishing place where play
is work and work is play. Awe and wonder are as familiar as neighbors, and
every day has the potential for amazement. From our childhood we bring our
dreams for life and form those dreams into plans and mold those plans into
reality. From our childhood we grow our character. But none of this can happen
if childhood is not nurtured, guided, and shaped by those older and wiser. If
our children are not guided into the pathways of proper behavior, then all of
the wonderful things which grow in their imagination will remain dreams. Our
children will not grow into adults who work hard to shape the future. They will
not travel to Mars or invent a petroleum free world. They will simply become
large children who do not know the paths to follow. They will become bitter,
jaded, disillusioned, and hateful because they do not know how to turn dreams
into reality. They will become the type of person who always blames others,
always finds fault, always tears down. They will be adults who throw temper
tantrums.
